Everything about life now is confusing. I literally don’t know what to do.
With my husband, we were a team; we would figure things out together. And if it was a bad decision, we picked up the pieces… together. I miss being loved. Being loved is the most certainty one can have. Knowing together, bound by love, we would be okay no matter what. The pressure of the world on your shoulders is easier when someone is holding your hand. I know I am supposed to be closer to God… but I feel like I can’t even do that the right way. I can’t put my mind to anything because I’m so lost in grief. My ability to function is the biggest lie in the world… everyone sees one thing and I’m completely different on the inside.
Nothing can bring my husband back, and that is the only thing that will make all of this better. So, if that is a permanent “No”, then what do I do?? How do I face each day knowing it’s going to be bad, it’s going to hurt, I’m going to cry, I’m going to be alone and feel useless? Caleb asks for Richard all the time, he is always talking about his dad and now he says he misses him more often What ado I say? This is another area of my life that is draining me, because I don’t know how to handle it.
There’s no breathing room, there’s no break – life just keeps coming. I’m getting hit from all angles, and I’m trying my best…. it doesn’t stop, I can’t catch my breath.
They say it gets easier, but it’s not. Time will heal, well I’m still dying on the inside. When does relief come?… I want to sleep until then.
I’ve never been so disappointed in myself.
(Written March 2014)
NOTE: When you can’t breathe try this…
Be still (lying down if possible), put your hands on your chest, and take slow deep breaths. Then imagine your body and your soul separate. With your eyes closed, and while continuing to breathe in a steady rhythm, visualize your soul climbing back into your body. Slowly… taking long moments to center yourself again. After your soul fully meets your body, continue to breathe: inhale positive words, exhale negative thoughts [inhale: peace, exhale: anxiety, inhale: strength, exhale: confusion, etc…] DO NOT RUSH THIS, give yourself the grace and allow yourself time to practice this act of self love.