“Today was Caleb’s first basketball practice.
I cried. I couldn’t stop.
Then I came home and after putting him to bed, I cried for about an hour in the shower. Angry with God that Richard isn’t here for the moments he was sooo looking forward to; he wanted a son so badly for these moments. Mad that time is passing and I’m further away from our beautiful time together. Space between our memories, routine, last kiss, his touch, his time with the kids. Why would God allow this to happen when everything was good? When Rich was on fire for God? I just keep asking… what is the point of living right when it can all be taken away in a moment. There are deadbeat dads out here who do nothing good in the world and live until they are wrinkly and fragile. But a God fearing, loving father and husband is taken too soon.
I demanded that God answer me. If He wants me to keep serving Him, I deserve some answers. I’ve been crying for weeks. Angry. Lonely. Doubtful. Super disappointed in everyone and everything I ever cherished. I asked God what did I do to deserve this abandonment. I don’t want this life… I don’t want to hurt. Everything was great before God allowed this to happen. Needless to say, I haven’t heard any answers. I’m still hurting and feel completely alone.
I literally miss Richard uncontrollably. I can’t concentrate on anything else in life.”
Written January 2014